On Fog

No to spoil the ending for you, but everything is going to be okay.

If you have ever lived in fog you know it’s not impossible to see in it, walk in it, drive in it. But it is a lot harder. I can remember watching my dad open the car door as he creeped along to see the yellow line on the road in the fog. It just makes everything a bit slower and more inconvenient. There’s a reason Rudolph was so important in the song. That red nose lit up that foggy night.

When the fog lifts you appreciate all that was covered in white haze. That’s how these last couple weeks have felt for me. The fog has lifted and life hasn’t been as hard or inconvenient. I am me again. I can enjoy life as well as feel sad or disappointed without downward spiralling into despair. I was at the point where everything took work. I was doing all the right things: running, thinking positive, praying, talking to friends. Yet I was still surrounded by fog. Until this last two weeks I don’t even think I knew how hard I was working.

In a moment of honesty someone I love said, “You don’t even look like your trying anymore.” Ironically I was trying so incredibly hard to be okay. That was one of those moments that stopped me and echoed in my ears. It was my turning point.

Now with the fog lifted I see how long I traveled in the fog. I know I might have missed a few of the sights along the way these last few years but I’m not worried. They are there in my subconscious as memories. And now I feel like myself has emerged better for it. More compassionate. More understanding. More chilled out. (Miracle in and of itself!) It’s those crazy times in life when you realise out of the despair beauty has arisen. It’s not ever the end of your story until you take your last breath. This is not your forever.

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