Present

Every great thing starts out a little scary, doesn’t it?

How am I? I like to share on Wednesday a part of my heart, life or mind that is real and open. The last twenty four hours I caught myself asking, “how are you?” As I drove around and watched kids play and sipped Starbucks, I asked myself but didn’t really listen. I’m sitting here trying to write and the sports news is blaring, my son, not asleep, continues to scream from his room for anything he can think of, my jeans are tight and cutting me off (though they are new and I’m so thankful for them!!), the back of my mind is worrying about what job I’m going to do and if my husband will get a job quick enough for our finances, I’m praying that my husband does well on finals and his stress doesn’t overwhelm him or our family, and I’m thinking about the Wednesday group of ladies I’m about to catch up within a few minutes. This is how I’m doing. I don’t feel like I’m juggling a lot but I guess I am. That’s not even inclusive of my emotions about any of these things. It feels a lot less overwhelming and stressful than the last three sets of finals week. Maybe it’s the medicine (most likely) maybe it’s my growth (probably) maybe it’s just me getting used to this life (could be). Whichever reason it is I’m thankful that I’m coping.

I love having full days and sitting down exhausted at the end of a day. I’m keeping busy and enjoying my life between medical school acting heaps this month and lots of good female chats I really do like my life. The reality is that stress and joy co exist for me. I am learning and loving about myself that I have many polar opposites. I am absolutely a feminist and love making my family and the house run smoothly and am okay not working at the moment. I’m all go and fight for women to have a voice and love anything frilly and pink. I’m ridiculously serious and love deep and meaningful conversation taking many friendships to deep places quickly and I am in my happy place laughing until I cry and singing Katy Perry at the top of my lungs and watching brainless TV shows. I follow the rules in an obsessive way that drives my husband crazy and an hopelessly a rebellious airhead forgetting rules or purposely not doing them because I’m stubborn. I can cry with empathy at the drop of a hat and be filled with anger and be mean in milliseconds.

I’m starting to actually love these dichotomies in myself. I’m entirely busy and stressed in my mind yet at peace in this season. I love our level of chaos yet am secretly trolling job websites because I don’t want any more chaos than what we have. So how am I? Well, I’m present. Wow. That answer even surprised me a bit. Being present is not my strength, in fact I would dare say it’s my weakness. Yet eighteen month into this new life I have to say the greatest gift of sacrificing and jumping head first into financial challenge and change that freaked me out is being able to be present. And I’m so glad we did it. Not just for my brave husband to see he was incredibly bright and amazing, but because I can be present and okay. The world didn’t collapse without me making plans and my emotions didn’t explode in the absence of my ultra control freak nature.

Sigh. I would never wish this season of life on anyone that we have walked through and are walking through, yet, and this is a huge yet, I wish everyone could experience the fruit of the other side of fear and chaos. It’s sweet and worth every tear. And I would do it all over again.

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