Not to spoil the ending for you, but everything is going to be OKAY.
It’s amazing how feeling connected to another person gives you a sense of contentment and energy. As my husband finished exams Friday and even though I worked all afternoon I couldn’t wait to get home to just be connected to my friend. Not a student. Not my business partner. Not my roommate. But my friend and husband. There was a relief that just washed over me Saturday. For one he was with us, a rare treat on a weekend outing. But more than that it was us thinking about our son, house decisions, and just life in general. No major decisions needed to be made but it felt good to not have the weight of it on me if there was to be some decision.
We definitely don’t have this marriage, school, toddler, living with two cultures under one roof thing figured out. I would say we are making great strides though. A stride forward and then two steps back then another stride forward. We chose each other and could see and feel that truth. We told each other about our days. Even in the chaos and very unconnected moments of stress we strived to realise there was still two people in this marriage not just stress on one. There were moments and words I absolutely wish I could take back but life has been about living in the moment not living for perfection.
Don’t you fret, I’m still me! I plan ahead, strategise our finances, think about vacations three years down the road and dream of our beach house (we will own one day). I lived in perfectionism for years. A hidden life because if you tell someone you’re a perfectionist then they watch you and you could fail which is the worst possible nightmare. It didn’t work out that great for me. This year I’m sure of who I am, most days. I’m confident of my personality, most days. And I know I am an absolute feminist living a life that looks unlike that but that’s okay, most days. Most days I live in the moment and the days I don’t are either incredible highs because I’m dreaming of having enough money to not just go to All Black games but take kids that can’t afford it. Or horrific lows where I’m sure I’m the worst wife and mom ever. Most days though I can look at my life and be excited for my husband, as well as my dreams. Most days roll together this year to a place that says after a very low low you can have hope because it’s there and it will come. I promise. This is never your forever it’s just this moment. Most days if you can remember that you are doing awesome!