In the case of full disclosure: Yes a melt down has occurred. I almost knew that when I wrote the Exam blog I was setting myself up to melt down, but life in the raw is much better (and often more funny) than pretending life is perfect.
I’m not proud but at one point a plastic spoon from my son’s kitchen flew across the kitchen. Not my most adult moment. As I headed to church, yes I know, the irony is not lost on me, I felt that all too familiar feeling: regret and a tad of embarrassment. As I settled into my happy place with college students chatting all around me and my three year old in jammies cuddled in my arms I was reminded how easy it is for me to be so offended. This is not a new realisation just a very loud reminder because with offence comes defence for me. I must now prove to you why I was right, justified, or worse yet loving. The illogical self that comes out swinging to convince the other that in fact I was acting loving or am right never seems to work. Yet I always seem to use it. Again not my best move. I sat in this chair with students swirling around me wishing for their life stresses and I sighed. One of those from down deep inside you. Sigh. Here I was again, the same spot. Angry and swinging yet really I was sad and hurt. What if instead of proving my point or yelling or throwing plastic silverware I just accepted the feedback given and allowed my love to be proven with action? It takes longer and I often must sit with uncomfortable emotions that have flared up. Not too of my favourite things: patience and negative emotions.
Love really does always win. I just can so often get it in the way of it by being defensive and ridiculous. As I stepped out of the way and laughed at myself, forgave myself and let time do it’s work I was reminded of the beauty of the journey. It’s not getting it perfect it’s being aware and honest when you don’t. Two step forward one back. It’s just about showing up and keeping moving. Love will always win and in the process change you and grow you, that alone makes it worth showing up for. (And guess what? Exams haven’t even started yet! I think a whole lot of growing is coming my way!)