There is nothing glamorous about most people’s lives. But the fact is I often look at others and think they are living such a better and more glamorous life. Let me take you behind the curtain of my life and show you just how unglamorous I am, only magnified with exams happening as I type. I went 5 days without washing my hair. Five, people, five. I can’t remember the last time I did that. I wore a hat 6 out of the last 7 days. (Thank you Susan!) My child has only had nutritional meals at his kindy/preschool. (Reason number 987 why I love Montessori!!) I had one good and healthy meal this week – it was at a good bye dinner at our church, and I’m not even sure what my husband who stayed home ate for dinner that night. My son ate about 4 bites of said dinner and BOTH desserts. I just don’t care. And I didn’t even remember to brush his teeth once we got home. Baby teeth, baby teeth I keep reminding myself. Tonight I made dinner, kind of, and looked at the dirty stove and thanked God I have a stove cover. I shut it after not cleaning it since we had an open house two weeks ago. I went to bed so worried and nervous about these exams and the results. I hopped on the “what if” train for a bit and landed in crazy town. I woke up and sent a few SOS raw, honest, and embarrassing texts to my people then quietly cried in the kitchen unloading the dish washer under the weight of the fear and terrifying moment I was feeling. I continued sobbing in the shower, then sat on the tub trying to gain control while still crying. I was flooded with fear and paralysed with terror. I listened to a very old Jesus Culture Song as I cried and tried to put on make up which seemed a bit futile. I read a text reminding me that this is the terrifying part of risking everything and jumping into the unknown. I remembered that the fear is terrifying when you jump but it eventually becomes exhilarating for me; I just was in the free fall stage. I was reminded by the words of the song that I can Come Away with God and it is never too late to come. I read texts from friends. I laughed at emoticons. I cried at sweet words. I used up a good portion of a life coaching session I was being paid for to speak my rambling fears out (thank you Katie!). I was reminded why I was drawn to my husband and married him today: he is willing to jump, he is willing to risk everything in spite of fear and a lot of others won’t. I needed a risk taker but the ugly side of risk is the incredible fear before the exhilarating sets in and makes it all worth it.
Sometimes people compliment my great support of my husband, which makes me a tiny bit want to scream because I’m not a wife supporting him we are team, but that’s beside the point. Sometimes people say my life is so unique and exciting living in New Zealand, then I remind them people don’t use dryers and nothing is big here and they are grounded again at my reality. And sometimes I get complimented for our incredible risk. But it’s our story. It’s walking through Medical School in our thirties. It does not feel glamorous but it’s ours and for that I love it.
The journey from terrifying to exhilarating was a short one for me this time. I credit that to my people. The ones that get access to my inner crazy terrified fearful parts. The ones that carry the load with me. The trusted and tried friends that make the journey even happen when I’m ready to give up. If you just looked at my social media you would have never known my last 24 hours, not because I want to hide, I don’t in fact. But I do trust the vulnerable parts of my heart with those I know can handle it, my people. And really, did you really want to see my filthy stove and my sobbing red eyes? It’s just not what social media is for at the end of the day. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE social media. It’s how I stay connected and updated on friend’s lives, but the majority of what social media is for is life updates not raw vulnerable moments. And. That’s. Okay. Just find your people and don’t mistake someone else’s glamorous life for what is really just their personal journey.