The Unknown

I swore that I would not move to another city without a job, much less a place to live, again. Yet November found me making that decision with confidence and boldness with a dash of crazy involved. My husband finished his third year of medical school and we were headed to a new hospital and a new city. The house we rented sold, our great friend was graduating close to our new city and I couldn’t seem to get my foot in the door for interviews/jobs in our new city, so off we went. Full of hope and a lot of fear.

I was full of feelings as we drove out of our old city headed to a new adventure with a massive amount of unknown. We left our city with a huge disappoint attached to us. It was not what I expected, not what I thought we needed and definitely not what I wanted. My stressful summer of finding jobs/places seemed to get infinitely more stressful.

My people got me through. On days when I was drowning in fear I sent a lame text or two and was showered with hope. When I felt like my heart was closing in and all the plans and dreams we had dreamed seem to come to a halting stop I would again send some lame “help me” message and was again met with truth and hope. My people are amazing. They have got me through more things than I care to count. But this one seemed the most desperate yet somewhere in it I knew I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do, it was just so scary and often didn’t make sense. My people kept reminding me that my instincts are often right and to trust the process. There were tears and suffocating fears at times. There was mind boggling circumstances that left me scared and others that left me saying only God could have orchestrated all these things to get me a job and a place to live.

My son grieved most nights. It looked like going-to-bed tantrums. The more we tried to understand his heart the more I could see he was sad. His whole life just changed. Some nights I was full of grace and walked with him as he processed this, not letting tantrums & emotions out of control throw me and other times not so much. By “not so much” I mean yelling, crying, anger, frustration…on my part. I felt like we were living the Pixar movie Inside Out. I referenced that movie tons to help my son navigate these changes and help myself navigate things like fear. I had my own stress and fears, but so did he. Seems funny now to think a little purple guy helped me but the power of movies is a huge visual of putting my own stories to life, the best movies do just that. Most nights we just made it, barely but we made it to wake up again. Don’t get me wrong we had tons of fun in our new city, but fun wasn’t the overriding emotion.

Walking next to and partnering with a medical student is hard. Reality is anytime you walk next to or partner with another it’s gonna be hard at times because they are not you. They don’t think like you or respond like you. They process life different than you do. Watching my husband ask hard questions this summer was painful and brutal at times. But I kept silent most of his process. By silent I mean I said a few things, lost my cool some days and vented to my people just about daily. My husband was exhausted after a particularly hard year. It definitely was not in our plan. He starts his clinical rotations in a few days and I can’t say we feel refreshed. At least I don’t and I can’t imagine he does at all, but I feel thankful.

One of my priorities in this medical school process was to never forget the times we struggled financially. The times I choose between bread and toilet paper, the times I could not make sense of our budget, the times we got government aid over and over again. But I also don’t want to forget the fear, the disappointments, the unknowns. Those are what make me connected to other humans. This summer had huge highs, we love our new city, but it had some massive lows and incredible heartache. And I honestly can say I can’t believe we are here. I can’t believe my husband is walking into a new hospital in days, my son has a school he enjoys to learn in, a very cool apartment above a Starbucks and two blocks from the ocean/bay right in the heart of the city, and I have a job I love, but we do.

Disappointment is weird. It makes me rethink everything. It made my husband reevaluate his life in a courageously wise and raw way. I had no idea how our summer would end but I kept letting my people help me. I was pleasantly surprised by new community in our new city and so thankful for my people. Have I mentioned how my people kept me going? My husband and I stayed a team most days, my five year old had fun and we saw sun and felt warm way more than we did the last few summers and my people made sure I stayed sane in the stress, held my hope when I had none, quieted my fears when they raged and cheered me on when I took little brave baby steps. It was too raw to share as the summer happened, but while the memories of all the feelings are swirling around in my heart, so are the thankful thoughts of a season that kept us grounded and humble, a community we never expected and my people who loved me no matter what. What a year! I’m glad it happened but I am so glad it’s over.

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